Sex Talks by Vanessa Marin

Author:Vanessa Marin
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: S&S/Simon Element
Published: 2023-02-07T00:00:00+00:00

All Systems Go: Turn-On Time

Let’s say you and your partner have kept that Sex Drive Simmer going, and now you’re wanting to turn it up to boil and actually start having sex. Unfortunately, this is another point where most of us come to a screeching halt. Let me tell you about my clients Jacee and Blue. They’re a child-free couple who have been married for eight years. (Jacee is nonbinary and uses the pronouns “they” and “them.”) Jacee and Blue average sex once a month, and neither is happy about it. As I get to know more about each of them and their relationship, it doesn’t seem to me that there’s a problem with either of their sex drives. The issue seems to be about getting sex going in the moment.

Jacee tells me that they have a lot on their plate: they’re pursuing a degree in social work, working two different jobs with unusual hours, and volunteering with at-risk LGBTQQI teens. They spend almost all their time helping others, and the thought of coming home and then needing to expertly seduce Blue feels exhausting.

Blue lets out a deep breath and chimes in. “It’s not just Jacee struggling here. I know this is really dysfunctional and the definition of cutting your nose off to spite your face, but when we’re going through a dry spell, I don’t want to be the first to crack. I want Jacee to initiate. But then I get self-conscious that they don’t want me, we become more distant from each other, and we both want less sex as a result. It’s a vicious cycle.”

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